I think I won the penis lottery.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You made out with two different species that night
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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