So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
