i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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