So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
