Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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