The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
