Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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