Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
