I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
