If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
