If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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