I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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