Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
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Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
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Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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