Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
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