what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
