My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
