don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
