I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My first STD was from a foam party
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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