: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
