I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I wish I only lived at night.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
