New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
