You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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