So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
