My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
