sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
