Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
