pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
