you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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