Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
