I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
