cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
These tits shall not be calmed
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
