I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
