She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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