people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
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Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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