You're earring is so big in my mouth
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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