My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
