when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
