On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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