remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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