Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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