I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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