theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
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