had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
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You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
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the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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