he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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