You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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