On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
