You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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