Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
