swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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