FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
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And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
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Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
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