Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
