I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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