I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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