i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Sext me about skeletons
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
