can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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