My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
