We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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