maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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