I wish I only lived at night.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize