she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
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We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
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Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
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